When Does It End?

I have a recurring nightmare about being in a school shooting, and I am thankful for it. Why? Because it's just a dream. I can wake up at any moment, and everything will be okay. For Emma Riddle, my recurring nightmare is her life. At 18 years old, Emma has been in two school shootings in 14 months. Most of us get to wake up from nightmares, yet she remains stuck inside one as long as our country continues to pick guns over people's lives.

“At least it was only 20 minutes. It's over with. You’ll never have to go to your friends’ funerals again.”

This is what Emma told herself when she began to process what happened on November 30, 2021, at Oxford High School in Michigan. She was a senior when 15-year-old Ethan Crumbley took his early Christmas gift from his parents to school: a 9MM Sig Sauer pistol. Emma was in the band room when the threat of an active shooter was announced over the intercom. The school was not notified until 5 minutes after Crumbley had opened fire. On the opposite side of the building, he had killed four students and wounded seven others. Emma describes the 20 minutes in lockdown as the worst minutes of her life. Oxford High School did not reopen for nearly 2 months after the event. Emma recalls dogs being all over the school, and praises the way the teachers eased everyone back inside the building. Emma and her classmates were on the road to healing.

Emma began her freshman year at Michigan State University, still recovering from the trauma that she had experienced just over a year before. She was in the shower when her roommate knocked on her door to tell her that it was happening again; there was an active shooter on campus. I asked Emma how she responded to the different situations. She told me,“I was frozen the first time. You don’t really understand what’s happening. This time I knew what to do to keep myself safe. It already happened before, so I knew how to process it.” After getting out of the shower, Emma locked and barricaded her door, and hid under her desk with her roommate. She began texting her family and friends that she loved them. Gunman Anthony McRae was tracked down two hours after the shootings. He shot himself after killing three students and injuring five.

Emma said returning to MSU after a week of no classes was daunting. She described Oxford High School as a tight-knit community where everyone knew everyone. They grieved together, and had each other's backs. At college, Emma noted, “MSU had resources available, but overall they seemed to detach themselves from what happened.” Emma’s high school had shut down for a few months. MSU had only shut down for a week. Many students, including Emma, did not originally return to classes the day they started back up.

On February 14, Emma spent the first minutes of Valentine’s Day texting everyone she loved. This was not a gesture to honor the holiday; it was a precaution in case she never got to see them again. Emma brought her thoughts to Twitter on February 14 at 12:31 am: "14 months ago I had to evacuate from Oxford High School when a fifteen year old opened fire and killed four of my classmates and injured seven more. Tonight, I am sitting under my desk at Michigan State University, once again texting everyone 'I love you' When will this end?"

Emma told me that exhaustion and frustration motivated her intentions for her Tweet. The students of MSU trembled with fear in their dorms for three hours. Like many other American citizens, Emma is angry. She is tired of the government valuing money instead of children’s lives. As Emma’s only followers on Twitter at the time were her dad, his friends, and a couple of people from her high school, she told me she was not expecting the Tweet to get attention, let alone amass the 7.4 million views that it did. Emma has been interviewed by many news sources. I questioned how she brings herself to talk about the most traumatic experiences of her life. “I feel obligated to. Oxford was pushed under the rug, and I didn’t want MSU to be. After seeing other students speak out, I gained the confidence to do the same. I have survived two mass shootings. Maybe now they will listen.” Emma is not the only student who survived a shooting before MSU. She mentioned a large number of people from her graduating high school class also attend her college. Additionally, a member of the senior class, Jackie Matthews, survived the Sandy Hook shooting in 2012. Emma said she and her previous high-school classmates share somewhat of a trauma bond, as they all went through the same tragedies. Although it is great to have a community that supports each other, there is no reason children should have to keep falling victim to weapons.

How does one heal from this? What can we change? Emma has gone through what no child ever should, and she has gone through it twice. Emma said that doing what she loves, even something as little as going to an outdoor mall, helps her make life as normal as it can be. A routine helps Emma’s world keep spinning, even when it feels like it has come to a halt. “Getting into a routine helps, even if it is getting out of bed, putting on makeup, and picking out a cute outfit.” As much as Emma and other victims try to heal themselves, a large weight remains pressed on their chests as long as gun laws remain unchanged. “We are dying. We need to step up common sense gun reform.” Giving victims a National Gun Violence Survivor Week is not what our children are asking for. In fact, Emma just remembers feeling mocked by people who showed up to events for gun violence survivors wearing pro AK-47 button pins. What we want are safer storage laws, the banning of high capacity magazines, and stronger background checks; we want real change. Emma’s concluding words are ones I will scream to the day I die: “Your guns are not more important than my friends' lives.”